The corporate world is a dystopia, where both logic and ego must be set aside if you wish to survive.
My colleague got fired. She was bold, brash, and had a loose tongue.
It blindsided her because she was young, impetuous and didn’t yet understand how the corporate world worked.
I’ve seen this happen dozens of times in my 19 years of office work; people come in naively assuming their job is secure if they simply work conscientiously.
That, I’m afraid, is a utopian fantasy.
The system must run its course, and if you try to intervene, you’ll get caught in the turning cogs and churned into pulp.
So, if you’re dead set on sticking it out in the corporate world, here are some ready pointers to help you learn the rules and navigate the pitfalls to ensure you survive in this bizarre and demanding environment.
Rule 1: Everyone is replaceable
Corporations are money-making machines. They are not your friend or protector, no matter how much HR suggests otherwise.
You are a simple cost-benefit on a spreadsheet.
They pay you X because you are perceived to generate or save Y. The moment the value of X appears bigger than Y, you’re out of a job.
I’ve seen highly dedicated workers let go because the systems improved made their own jobs redundant.
Loyal heads of departments replaced overnight by high-flying newcomers.
I’ve seen entire teams evaporated simply because someone did some sums and decided their workload could be absorbed by colleagues.
Corporations have no loyalty. They are not people, and they do not care about your family or your feelings.
According to Dr. Robert Hare, corporations are psychopaths and have to be to operate as viable businesses.
What to do about it
To survive in the corporate world, always focus on displaying monetary value and ensuring those above you see it.
Your boss has a budget. Showing how you’re making/saving money will be information they can pass on to make themselves look better — ergo, they’ll keep you around.
As Robert Greene said, never outshine the master; make them look good instead.
Always display value. The moment you believe you’re indispensable is the moment you’re most vulnerable for a cull.
And the culls always come.
Rule 2: Politics is everything, don’t take it personally
Corporations are machines, but the cogs of the machine are people, and with them comes politics.
Grudges will be played out, bosses will be petty, work will be unfairly distributed, employees will be unfairly favored or demonized, and colleagues will try to outshine each other.
If you go into an office thinking everyone will keep their head down and do their process-driven jobs, you’d be wrong.
Everyone is human, and the dynamics of lots of humans under one roof will play themselves out as they do everywhere, just underneath a veneer of suits, ties and “professionalism.”
What to do about it
Don’t take it personally, and do not get involved. The more you extract yourself from the drama, the more you’ll be protected when things come to a head (they invariably do one way or another).
Office gossip and scandal is a delicious distraction, but you don’t want to be part of it. No one gets out of drama without dirtying themselves.
Rule 3: The workplace is about fitting in
The young girl I talked about who was fired did a great job, but she didn’t fit in. Her aggravated nature of constant exasperation that not everything ran smoothly all the time rubbed people up the wrong way.
To survive the corporate world, your personality has to fit.
A friend I know got a new job, had one disagreement with a senior colleague and was asked to leave within his first week.
They didn’t care he’d got through several interviews to be hired; he wasn’t accommodating when it mattered, so he was gone.
I’ve worked in HR for many years. Interviews are about ensuring a candidate will fit into the “corporate culture” much more than it is about what they know.
I’ve seen hiring managers appoint mediocre candidates because of good rapport more times than I can count.
Their thinking is, “I’d rather work with person X and train them up than person Y and not like them.”
What to do about it
Be agreeable, at least when it matters. Understand doing your job isn’t good enough; you need to make life easier for those above you.
Confrontation will only end up hurting you.
I know this feels counter-intuitive, and that’s exactly what it is. You’re meant to be in your job because of your knowledge and experience, but you must learn to bend in the wind and acquiesce when required.
You have to mold yourself around the environment and if you want to prosper and get promoted, fitting in is crucial.
Rule 4: You are in tacit competition with your colleagues
People at work compete with each other. It might not seem it, but tell me how you feel when a former co-worker becomes your boss.
Offices are full of ambitious people as much as they’re full of full-time slackers, don’t think someone won’t screw you over for £2k extra a year and a bonus package.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have friends at work — I have had many very good friends at work — but be aware of the competitive dynamic of the office. It’s the elephant in the room no one talks about.
What to do about it
Accept everyone has their own agenda, and even your closest work friends will be trying to load the dice in their favor.
There will always be conversations behind closed doors, favorites in the team, opportunities selectively given. There will be times you will feel unfairly ignored or left behind.
Get used to it, or it’ll break you, you’ll grow bitter and vocal and then you’ll be ripe for a cull.
Rule 5: Good workers aren’t better at their jobs they’re better at looking better at their jobs
I noticed long ago that senior management would rarely deviate from the party line. Like a Red Army guard in Stalinist Russia, they will employ verbal gymnastics to ensure defiant or cynical sentiment never leaks from their lips.
The ones that let the mask slip are soon gone.
Those rising through the ranks will be trusted individuals who are experts at toeing the line, looking the part and being a positive corporate example for others.
The appearance of working hard, mostly trumps results.
Studies show morning people are rewarded more than their night owl colleagues simply because they’re more visible to management.
The manager comes in, and there is Derek, tapping away at his screen. Derek is going places (he’s really not, he’s just sitting at his desk before you), and Derek will be rewarded.
What to do about it
Don’t worry about being first in the office. This isn’t 1980’s Japan, but do be smart about your visibility when you stay late or come in early.
Send emails from home; they’re timestamped so people can see you were working when others were not (even if you weren’t). If you’ve worked a weekend, ensure it’s known by the powers that be. Be at your desk when it matters, and always be on time.
I know it’s a silly game, but you have to play it if you want recognition, and if you wish to survive in the corporate world.
Rule 6: Change is cyclical and almost always pointless
Departments and job roles will merge and separate every 5–8 years. I’ve seen this many times. Expensive management consultants will come and go, recommending reshuffles that will be poorly implemented over the next few years until other management consultants come in and reverse the changes.
Corporations love nothing more than bringing in external management consultants.
But, as Nassim Taleb would readily point out, management consultants have no skin in the game. Therefore money is frittered away on white papers, target operating models and endless reorgs.
The changes implemented will make no difference. The same inherent problems will still exist, and the same middle managers who got where they are simply because they kept showing up, will remain.
I’ve seen it. Hang around for long enough, and you’ll see it too.
What to do about it
In this case, nothing. If you’ve adhered to the rules of looking busy, professional and being agreeable, you should be able to weather these storms.
Restructures are a great time to get rid of people, if you stand in the way of so-called progress, you’ll be removed.
Rule 7: It’s your job to enable bad decisions not to question them
Even if you’re fairly senior, it’s those at the top of the tree who make the big decisions. Decisions about spending £1.2m on a new system, decisions on mass restructure, decisions on new business ventures.
You might be asked for your opinion or even professional analysis, but ultimately you have no say.
And most of the decisions being made will be terrible.
I worked for a company that decided to roll up all reporting processes into a central team. Everyone explained reporting took a great deal of specialist knowledge, and it would be impossible to harvest that out to a remote team, but they did it anyway.
After 2 years of implementation, at the cost of literal millions, the project was abandoned as unworkable.
It was such a disaster the company sued the management consultants tasked with implementing the impossible.
What to do about it
Advise when you’re asked, but a large part of corporate work is to watch bad ideas crash and burn. When it all comes to a head (and it always does), you won’t get any credit for “I told you so.”
Therefore, ensure you’ve moved away from any pending disaster long before it becomes one. If you really can’t do that, it’s worth putting your concerns in an email to your most senior contact then not mentioning it again. If things do go south, you have evidence you flagged it up long ago that might save your backside.
Rule 8: Be prepared for corporate astrology
In my 19 years in the corporate trenches, I’ve been subjected to dozens of personality tests, categorizations and labels. Myers-Briggs is the main one, but there are plenty others; the DISC personality tests, the colors test, the Caliper Profile and so forth.
The learning and development department in one place of work even diagnosed me as dyslexic. It was nonsense but serves to illustrate how much corporations love their personality pseudoscience.
Admittedly, there is passing value in understanding one’s overarching character, but it doesn’t matter anyway because nothing will change.
You take the test and then get back to work. They don’t suddenly install a music system and a ball pool because the ENFPs need more creative stimulation.
These are tick-box exercises to show a “development of the workforce.” And, one suspects, a way for learning and development to justify their existence.
What to do about it
Take your test and carry on. Every now and again, a senior manager will promote their favorite flavor of corporate astrology, and it will become de rigueur for a while. Play along where needed; it will soon be forgotten.
(As you may have gathered, a large part of surviving in the corporate world is letting bad ideas, fads and fancies play out without unnecessary intervention by yourself.)
Rule 9: Profit doesn’t trickle down
I’ve been through enough bonus rounds to know you’ll always be screwed over. I’ve never received a bonus, appraisal rating or any other sort of performance metric I thought was fair or justified.
In one place of work, IT managers shared the bonus pot between them, and no employee got a look in. In another, we’d all attend quarterly staff meetings to be told how profit was consistently rising, only for such profits to mysteriously dry up when it came to bonuses.
I was a reporting analyst for many years and compiled bonus reports across several companies. I can tell you with certainty; bonuses are never fairly distributed.
I saw an IT director ousted a couple of months after a huge performance bonus. I saw the head of wealth management unceremoniously given the boot shortly after receiving a six-figure bonus.
If their performance was so bad, why were they getting bonuses at all?
What to do about it
Until you’re in the higher echelons of management, don’t expect bonuses to be any good, especially don’t expect them to be fair.
It’s the hope that kills you.
And there you have it — a rough guide on how to survive the corporate world.
It doesn’t matter what you want to get out of your job, whether it be a fast track to CEO or getting the most money for the least work, no-one can get to their corporate goal without understanding how to transverse this political maze of glass doors and strip lighting.
Good luck on your journey.
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